


Trying

by wolfpaw



Series: Coping [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Death, Sadstuck, Self Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 18:14:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfpaw/pseuds/wolfpaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Goes along with Leave the Blades to the Striders</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trying

**Author's Note:**

> this goes with Leave the Blades to the Striders. somewhere in the first few chapters i guess.  
> by the way to anyone who keeps up with that! i'm likely going to be rewriting nearly the entire thing! i went back and reread it recently and it's kind of just really shitty and i don't like it. so that's something to look forward to i guess?  
> anyway, here's this

Three years is much too long to hold onto one’s sanity.

You take a deep breath as you drag your razor over your wrist, exhaling only once the blood flows enough to drip onto the floor.

The cuts heal too quickly and you let out an frustrated sigh. Sometimes you really wish the powers that come of being god-tier would lay off for a while and just let you bleed.

You set the blade to your arm again and a thought pushes it’s way to the front of your mind. It reminds you you can’t die permanently unless certain requirements are met.

The thought continues its roll forward with another close behind it.  The second questioning what it would take to kill you.

You slide into a flow of thought that moves fast.  Soon you find yourself wondering how much damage you would need to inflict on yourself before being awarded temporary relief.

Your razor is tucked into it’s hiding place and you move to pace the room, thinking of the general ways people commit suicide and contemplating how much farther they would need to be taken to kill a god.

A glance at the medicine cabinet suggests overdosing, and a look to the tub offers drowning.

You leave the bathroom to wander downstairs, heading to the kitchen for more ideas.

Your dad’s set of knives gleam and seem to call your name when you open the drawer they’re kept in, but you ignore their whispers to look around a little more.

Nothing else catches your attention so you return to the drawer. You pull out the knife that looks sharpest and drag it over each wrist, pushing down harder and cutting deeper than you ever had before.

You sit down and lean back against the cabinets while you wait.  Your arms rest on your legs, blood staining your bright blue pants as it flows freely.

It feels like you’re going to pass out when you notice the skin around the cuts knitting itself back together and energy slowly seeping back into you.

You let yourself fall to the side, pulling your knees to your chest and sob until you can barely breath. You sit back up, still sniffling a bit, and look down at your wrists to find the skin healed and smooth as if nothing happened. 

A few hours later and you don’t have many things left to try.  You start to wonder if self inflicted damage really won’t kill you but you shake your head and quickly put the thought out of your head, determined to get it done.

You take the knife from the kitchen into the bathroom with you and pull the remaining pills from the cabinet behind the mirror before filling the bathtub. Maybe if you just pull out all the stops and do everything at once it will work.

You’re past the point of taking a moment to think and hesitate. Nothing’s going to stop you. You will get the release of dying, even if you come back after a little while. It should help.

You really hope it helps.

It takes close to no time at all to down the entire contents of the pill bottles and reopen the skin on your arms. You turn to the bathtub and take a deep breath as you look down at the water. This is it. Now or never.

You take off your glasses and set them on the floor. Quickly, you shove your head below the water and jolt a little from the cold.  You force yourself to inhale as much as you can and then to keep your head submerged. Your body forces you to try and cough the water up, but you end up inhaling more.

Keeping your head under the water proves harder than you thought it would be and you try to get a grip on the edge of the tub, but the blood coming from your arms causes your hands to slip and you fall farther forward.

Your body feels heavy and you have no energy left to hold yourself up.  Thoughts enter and exit your mind before you can recognize what they are. You can feel yourself slipping and you manage to think that it’s almost like falling asleep before your mind stops along with the rest of your body.


End file.
